Moronic Things the Volturi Have Done
by H. K. Rissing
Summary: this is a series about the volturi and the dumb things they do because they are people too and everyone thinks they are stoic and mean all the time, but i think otherwise. enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 : Truth or Dare

One day, the guard was lazing around the tower because they had nothing to do. It was a sunny, summery day in Volterra, so they couldn't go outside. Felix broke the Xbox, the Nintendo, and the Wii, all by being stupid, so that option was out. Corin accidentally sent a virus to all of the computers when he got hopped up on high fructose chocolate syrup, so if you even turned one on it backed up everything, ate all of the files, and shut off all of the electricity in the tower and the surrounding 200 yards, and they really didn't feel like messing with that, so no computers. The TVs were all feigning ignorance and wouldn't turn on no matter what they did to them (they were later to find out that that was because Caius removed the batteries), so they couldn't do that either. They were too lazy to go and get books and all of their iPods needed charging, so they were just laying there, looking at the ceiling and wishing for something to do when Renata's' head jerked up.

"Guys, I know exactly what we're gonna do today!!!!" she crowed.

"Bedazzling?" guessed Heidi

"Torturing?" guessed Jane

"Weight-lifting?" guessed Felix

"Tracking random household objects?" guessed Demitri

"No, and that would be really boring anyway." Renata responded. "See, what we're gonna do is play TRUTH OR DARE!!!!!!!" At the time, it seemed like a good idea, so they all agreed.

"Okay, I'm going first," Said Chelsea. "Alec, truth or dare."

"Truth." "Is it true you sniff sharpies and worry about your weight and wish you owned ninety cats?" "No, no and no," he responded indignantly. "Jane," he said, turning to his sister. "Truth or dare?" "Dare." "I dare you to eat an entire can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup." Jane's' mouth fell open for a moment, and then she shut it, narrowed her eyes and hissed, but stomped off to the kitchen angrily to get a can of the aforementioned soup. After coming back with it, she poked her nail around the circumference of the top and drained the can, afterwards pulling horrible faces.

She glared at her brother and said, "Corin, truth or Dare." "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………………….. Dare?" Her eyes glittered wickedly. 'I dare you to get Caius and bring him in here and profess your undying love for him. Afterwards you can tell him that we're playing truth or dare. "Corins' face got paler. He stood up with straight-backed determination and marched from the room. He returned two minutes later, leading a completely nonplussed Caius. Coring got down on one knee, saying,

"Dearest, darling. beloved master. I have watched you all these years from afar and decided that I can no longer hide the depths of my passion for you. I will love you forever and always and can only pray that you feel the same way about me. I-" But the wickedly delighted guard never got to hear the rest, because Caius punched his lights out and ran away as fast as he could. The guard all clutched their guts and screamed with laughter as Corin began to come around.

"Afton said, "Felix, truth or dare."

"Truth." "Were you a man-whore in your first life and that's why you wink so much?" Silence for a moment, and then Felix said no. The guard laughed at that too, and Felix muttered under his breath as he growled to Demitri, "Truth or dare." "Dare", he said confidently. "I dare you to go downstairs and tell Gianna that you want to take her out on a date." Demitri was moderately sickened and said he didn't want to play anymore, but Renata told him he had t or else, so he did. As no one had actually expected him to, Jane had to go downstairs and make sure Gianna knew he was kidding.

"Santiago, truth or Dare?"

"I dare you to get on the telephone, prank call the Cullens, and pretend whoever is speaking is Michal Jackson."

Santiago got on the phone and dialed the Cullens number. After three rings, a guy picked up. Perfect. It sounded like Carlisle. Even more perfect. "Uer, hello, ish thish thuh Jackshon reshidensh?" "I'm sorry, but no. Can I help you with someth-" "MICHAEL, old boy, how are you? It'sh jusht been shoooooooooo long!!!!" "But-""And I have your order, right here!!!" "What order are you talking about?" "Well, I'm talking about thoshe ten tonsh of mushtard that you wanted." "But I never ordered-" "Nevermind that, old boy, I have them already. Now itsh just a matter of shipping them to you." "Excuse me, who is this?" he demanded coldly. Since the entire conversation had been on speakerphone, the guard had to stifle giggles. "Why, thish ish Sean Connery, of coursh." "But I'm not Michael Jackson, you must have the wrong number!" "Oh, no, no, no no, my dear chap, for you shee, I am Sean Connery, and therefore, I am never wrong." "What?" "Didn't you hear me, m'boy? I shaid, 'I AM SEAN CONNERY'." "Pardon me?" "Ugh, you musht be Mishter Jackshons' new asshishtant, the one he wash telling me about. Well, Mishter Asshishant, you had better hope I don't tell Mishter Jackshon of your ineptitudesh!!!" "But-" "Goodbye now, Mishter Asshishtant " And then he hung up.

"The guard all doubled up laughing even harder than they had at Corin, who as well as Demitri had recovered his good humor. Nobody, even spoke, they just rolled around with their eyes glazing over, gasping for breath and wishing they could stop, but not being able to for the sheer hilarity of the moment. Eventually, they all caught their breaths and Santiago wheezed, "Renata, truth or dare." "Dare" I dare you to prank call Billy Mays." They busted out laughing again. She got the phone and, after dialing……. "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE. WHADDYA WANT?" "Uh, hi, Mr. Mays. Did you order ten tons of plastic?" "NO, I DIDN'T. WHY???" "Are you deaf and that's why you scream all the time?" "NO." "Then why do you scream all the time?" "BECAUSE IT GETS PEOPLES' ATTENTION." "I don't think that's the reason you scream all the time." "OH REALLY." "Yeah, really." "THEN WHY DO I SCREAM ALL THE TIME?" "Because you're insecure and in order to feel better about yourself, you have to ensure others pay attention to you." "THAT'S ABOUT THE DUMBEST THINGS I'VE HEARD YOU SAY THIS WHOLE TIME, WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING." "Say, is you toilet running?" "UMMMMM, I DUNNO, MAYBE?" "Well then ya better go and catch it!!!!" The moronicness of the old prank-callers standby was funnier than usual in Renata's' voice.

They continued chuckling quietly as Renata asked, "Heidi, Truth or Dare." "Dare." "I dare you to get on the computer and send Stefan and Vladimir an anonymous hate email. " "But I don't know their email address!" said a horrified Heidi, as though the mere taboo name 'Stefan and Vladimir would bring the wrath of the ancients down on them. "I do." She responded. "It's " So Heidi, surpassing white and turning an exquisite shade of gray, logged onto her email and hit compose draft and started,

"Stefan and Vladimir.

'I hate you. I hate you, hate you, and hate you. My hatred of you is turning this page, this ink, red, and I imagine it is your blood. Every particle of my being cries out to every particle of yours, and what do they cry? Hate. The flick of my wrist hates you. The shake of my head hates you. The piece of blue-green lint I am trying to get out from under my third toe, left foot, hates you. With the way I hate you, I wouldn't be surprised if you find the Volturi knocking on your door tomorrow, because I have half a mind to report you to them for crimes against humanity. And one day, I hope that I may bump into you, so that I may tie you down and dissect you, cell by cell, so that I may hate each individual one.

Signed, for the good of vampirekind.

Then she sent it. The sweet knowledge that once they opened their email (yeah they share an email, which is really kind of icky.) our masters' worst enemies would get a hate-filled email bomb. And then, just to be mean, they sent it again. And again. And again, and again and again and again and again and again. And then they sent it one more time, except they attached a computer virus Jane and Corin had engineered. Each one was sent from a different account, and

Corin obliterated their e-tracks so thoroughly no one but him could have possibly been able to trace who had sent it (Had he not already known) Then Chelsea had a brilliant idea and changed the address to Bella Cullen (Her email is . How lame is that?) And changed the 'crimes against humanity" part by adding, "Crimes against humanity by creating that disgusting monster half-breed Renesmee and then signed off as Stefan and Vladimir. Before they could get up to further high jinks, Aro came in. they couldn't do anything else, and since Aro was practically omniscient, he'd probably find out what they had done, but if he did, if was worth it because it had been so funny.

**Those aren't actually email addresses, I just made them up. I don't know how the format of this is going to look when I upload it, because Microsoft is being mean. R&R, I love hearing from y'all. **


	2. Chapter 2: WalMart

Nothing ever began if it was rainy, so it goes without saying that it was a sunny, summery day in Volterra, home of our favorite clan of vampires and a Friday at that. It was six o'clock, but the guard still had a good two hours of boredom ahead of them because all the electronics were short-circuited. (Long story short: some curious soul, who shall remain nameless, took them all outside and disassembled them to see how they worked. Unfortunately, the poor dumb soul left them there. It rained. Heads rolled.) The ancients were bored as well, because, for kicks, Caius had locked Aro out of both his library and his laboratory and then insulted him and swallowed both sets of keys to both doors and the three sets of back-up keys. In retaliation, Aro locked Caius out of his rooms and Caius didn't keep anything of interest anywhere else, so they were sitting in the tower angrily glaring daggers at each other while their wives pleaded with them to forgive and forget, but they eventually just gave up. The silence was oppressive. But then Renata got an idea!

"I've got an idea!!!!" she announced proudly. The guard swiftly stood and huddled around the ancients and the wives, warily facing Renata. "Oh no. No way. I still remember last time." Said Alec, referring to the disastrous time they had played truth or dare. The playing in itself had mostly been fun, but what Aro had done when he found out what exactly they had done was most definitely not fun. "Yes, I remember that vividly myself." Said Caius darkly, glowering at Corin, who blushed as much as a vampire can. Aro cackled with a bit more gusto than he normally would have, remembering both that incident and earlier that afternoon, seeing the keys to his most precious rooms disappear down Caius' throat.

"No, no, this time I swear it will be better!!!!!!!!!!" she said. "How about we go and do something fun in Genoa? We could run down there as soon as the sun sets and do something cool."

"Like raid the Wal-mart?" said Demitri

"Let loose animals in the zoo?" contributed Afton

"Cause general havoc?" asked Jane

"Steal carts from the CVS and use them to ski down the nearby hills?" queried Chelsea. "No," said Aro. "It's a good idea to go, but we will do none of the above. We will……………………"

"Go to a fancy restaurant?" suggested Heidi. "Sure, that sounds like a good idea. Then what?" said Aro. "OH MY GOSH, LETS GO BOWLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Santiago. **Awkward pause**. "Sure. Lets go………………. Bowling." Said Aro. Caius, ever the rebel, said, "no. I don't want to." "Now, brother, don't be-" "I WILL BE DIFFICULT IF I FEEL LIKE IT!!!" no you will not." Injected Aro in an icy tone. "You will come with us, and you will not fuss with us because we are all going. Isn't that so, Athenodora?" Caius' wife hung her head in shame as her husband gasped. "You blackmailer!!" he hissed at Aro, who shrugged and said, "It's not so much blackmail as logical reasoning. Now everyone go and get dressed nicely and we'll meet back here." The all rushed off and reassembled as soon as the sun had set.

"So where are we going to eat?" Aro asked congenially when they reached Genoa. "WHY are we going to eat, you mean." Grumbled Caius, who was quite fussy. **Unanimous glare **"OH, OH OH, OH, OH!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Alec while jumping up and down. "CAN WE GO TO MCDONALDS????!!!!!!???????" Jane glared at anybody who dared to say no, so they all said yes. They all filed into the McDonalds, and sat down. Eventually, everyone, including the wives and Marcus had been dared to eat or drink something (Or both). You didn't have to be Alice Cullen to foresee a painful, immediate future filled with retching and choking.

"NOW IT'S TIME TO GO BOWLING!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Santiago. The rest of the guard jumped up and down with mock excitement. When Santiago looked like he was about to cry, Aro made them stop. They reached the bowling alley without very much further notable incidents (Caius was jaywalking and almost got run over, Afton wasn't looking where he was going and ran into a light post, Jane almost kicked a frazzled looking kid who had a rolling backpack and ran over her foot, Santiago got asked to be Sears catalogue model………. Again. Just little things like that.). They got shoes, selected bowling balls (which Corin and Caius thought were weapons), got three lanes and formed teams. They split up like this: Aro, his wife and favorite members of the guard, Caius, his wife and favorites, and Marcus and his favorites. Unfortunately they did not do much bowling because they liked the songs they played on the radio too much. Alec even climbed up on a table and did a dance routine while singing along to "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. Everyone was slightly embarrassed and Jane renounced him as her brother for the night. They were awestruck and sickened when Demitri, Felix and Corin followed it up with a dance/sing-along to ABBA's "Dancing Queen". Eventually the owner asked them to leave.

They all filed out meekly and quietly, the very pictures of remorse and innocence, for those who had not been involved in the dancing/ singing scandal. As soon as they made it out to the parking lot, however, they rolled around avoiding grease stains and laughing like lunatics. A friendly policeman who happened to be driving by stopped and got out of his squad car to investigate this hysterical pack of hoodlums. They assured him again and again that they had not been drinking, were not on any sort of drugs or antidepressants, but the officer wasn't satisfied until they had all taken D.U.I. tests (even though none of them had been driving.) He was still extraordinarily suspicious, until Aro said in a loud, carrying voice as the officer was slowly walking away, "Well, come on, guys, I'm sure they'll be expecting us at the soup kitchen!!! It'll be so much fun helping all the poor homeless people, and for free, too!!!!!!!" Doubts assuaged, the officer walked away.

"So what should we do next?" asked Caius, who, despite preconceived notions, seemed to be enjoying himself. "We could………….." Aro looked like he was about to suggest something noble, like really going and volunteering at a soup kitchen, so Marcus, of all people, stunning all those assembled, cut him off and shouted, "LET'S GO RAID THE WAL-MART!!!!!!!!!!!" for yes, even Italy has Wal-Marts. The U.S. forced them to install them after they lost World War 2. This suggestion was greeted by shouts of approval as they located a Wal-Mart and ran inside, with Demitri screaming at the top of his lungs, "AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Alec grabbed a cart and used it as a scooter, almost taking out the row of Senior Citizens, all of whom were purchasing Pepto-Bismol at the same register. Marcus built a castle in the children's toy aisle as Caius let all the animals in the place out of their kennels and "relocated" the fishes. Aro mixed around boxes of spaghetti and other dried goods, swapped prices and crossed thing out with his sharpie. Sulpicia, Athenodora and Heidi gave the male salesclerk in the women's clothing department a heart attack by popping out of one of the racks of clothes, asked him a great deal of personal questions and then were the top three most difficult, high-strung, temperamental customers he had ever encountered.

In the frozen foods department, Renata had pulled and Aro and now nothing was in the place it started the day out in. Afton was back in layaway, changing around things that people had put on hold. Corin was wreaking havoc in the electronics department, and had, among other things, hotwired a radio. Right now it was playing softly as he skipped from channel to channel trying to find on that place Mexican rap. He was waiting for a signal from Aro to start the music, because he had hooked up the radio to the intercom and all he had to do was press a button and the music would fill the whole store. Once it started things were sure to get interesting. Unfortunately, once it started they were also certain to be thrown out. Demitri was adopting various obviously fake and quite flimsy disguises in order to stalk random customers. Felix was in the pharmacy with Santiago, demanding that they sell them steroids, which the frazzled counter girl said repeatedly that they did not stock them Felix and Santiago accused her of lying and spent fifteen minutes debating whether or not to call 9-1-1 on her.

In the back corner Alec (while wearing muddy commando boots) jumped on the beds. Jane was sitting in the corner of the women's' bathroom, looking quite, "oh-my-gosh-I-always-knew-I-was-in-a-horror-movie-that-little-girl-is-about-to-kill-me"esque. She even whispered, "You're next" once, for effect. Chelsea was giving out fake directions to very distraught American tourists. Felix, Santiago, Afton and Marcus all eventually stopped what they were doing and started dancing and singing to Thriller. And then Aro gave the signal.

Loud, obnoxious Mexican rapping filled that Wal-Mart, and Demitri started doing a counter-melody while Afton was beating. The owner tracked down Corin and ejected him from the premises. And the spent the rest of the night ferreting out and getting rid of all the others. Out of fairness, they did not go back in, but rather puked up the food previously ingested at the McDonalds on the unsuspecting patrons of the Wal-Marts' cars.

As the owner tried to persuade a screaming Caius (who was the last one left inside) to leave, Caius threw himself to the ground and grabbed one of those things that they park carts in and shouted they couldn't make him leave, and that he had waited all his life to go into a Wal-Mart, and that it was his dearest dream, but now they were ruining it. The owner made the mistake of tugging on Caius' ankle, who promptly started screaming about how this man was trying to violate him. Eventually, the owner, burning faced, and a phalanx of security guards picked him up and deposited him in the parking lot, where he then leapt up and took a deep bow.

After he got rid of his food, they climbed on top of this random RV that was parked there as all the customers came out because it was closing time, and, while standing on the roof, "MERRY CHRISTAMS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!" the aggrieved store owner called the cops, but by the time he showed up, the mysterious vandals were long gone. The owner would have nightmares about this night for many years to come.

They got back to Volterra and talked about their favorite parts o the evening. They decided they would have to do this again some time, but for now, they'd lay low, because the poor, plagued owner was attempting to file a lawsuit against them when he found all the graffiti on the wall, courtesy of Aro, Sulpicia, Jane and Renata. Or at least, he was pressing for them to be tracked down and arrested. But they'd never find them.


	3. Chapter 3: Happy Anniversary

Aro, Caius, Marcus, and the guard were all assembled in the throne room, doing what they do best: plotting. "Why don't you give her some more jewelry?" suggested Jane. "Dear one, I've given her far too much jewelry as it is. I'm sure she's sick of it by now. No, this year for our anniversary, I want to give her something truly special." Everyone remained silent, lost in quandary- what do you give to someone who you've already given veritably everything to? (Caius, of course, wanted to give Athenodora something extra special this year too, to make up for all the near-death experiences there had been that year, but wasn't about to voice that opinion.)

But then, Aro's head jerked up and he extended his index finger and his burgundy eyes lit up and you could almost hear the "idea!" light bulb going, "DING!" He stood up beaming, saying exultantly, "I know PRECISELY what we'll do!" Caius scowled (Marcus looked bored to tears), and said "So be a pal and let us in on this marvelous plan." Scorn and condescension dripped from his every word. Aro, miffed, drew himself up to his full height and said haughtily, "If you're going to behave in such a nasty manner, I don't think I will." Caius sighed and apologized through gritted teeth. Aro, his good mood having been restored, continued, "You know how in all those fluffy human stories, the husband cooks his wife some ghastly meal and tells her that he loves her and then they smile goofily into each other's eyes? What if we-" Caius, having caught onto his brothers thought train, interrupted with," so you want us to cook some sort of meal?" Aro nodded excitedly. "Great!" said Renata. "We can make an Italian dish and a salad and a cake. Caius, you decide on the main course, and then, along with Demitri, Santiago, and Alec, can make it, and Aro will work on the salad with Felix and Corin, and we'll work on the cake and settings for the table –for you four, of course- and-" "Renata, dear one, Caius and I are going to make it by ourselves. I think it'll mean a touch more coming from just us." Renata gaped openmouthedly at him. "Don't you think so, brother?"

"Yeah," said Caius waspishly. "Of course it'll mean more coming from just us. It's OUR anniversary. When you and Demitri get married, you can trot out the whole circus then." Renata looked abashed, horrified, and embarrassed. Felix swiftly elbowed Demitri, who was smiling the smile that people who don't know what else to do because they are so mortified smile. Santiago grinned expectantly at Corin and Alec, who groaned and slapped some cash into his open palm. "Caius, was that necessary?" Aro asked using the same tone kindergarten teachers who know that you know that they know you've done something wrong but just want to hear you admit it use. Caius muttered mutinously, and Aro said kindly to the still-stricken Renata, "I think that means he's sorry."

"Master…" asked Jane. "Are you sure about this?" "Yeah, because…. Well, with all due respect, we know what a bad idea it is to put you and Caius in a room fully equipped with varied and numerous sharp and potentially lethal objects." Said Alec. "Yes, we'll be fine," Aro responded decidedly. "You all run along, and try not to act conspicuous, but above all: Keep Sulpicia and Athenodora out of the kitchen." Despite the fact that every part of every member of the guard was screaming that this was a bad idea, they all nodded, and left to pack up all personal belongings of immense sentimental value, in case the tower was to, say, burn down, because someone tried to shut someone else (who had been drenched in clorox) in the turned-up-as-high-as-it-could-go oven. (Aro claimed he still occasionally coughed up soot.)

The two brothers stood in the kitchen, silently taking in their surrounding. Aro and Caius were the type of husbands that would have had some pretty good ideas about where food might be kept and an at least rudimentary store of knowledge concerning how to use some of the basic kitchen implements such as the blender and the microwave. They would have- had cooking and eating food been a part of their daily lives. Since it wasn't, they were just going to have to take a shot in the dark. Aro was reasonably confident- he'd watched sulpicia and people on the food network (at Sulpicia's insistence, obviously.) cook many times before- how hard could it be? He was fairly certain nothing could go wrong.

How very utterly wrong he was.

"I think we should make some sort of main course, salad, and a cake." Said Aro. Caius spared him a scorching glance. Aro, perturbed, responded, "Well, I don't see you coming up with anything better!" So, silently, the two brothers began their work. "Wait a second, hang on," Said Aro, as Caius began digging around under the stove, where the pots and pans were kept, and making a huge, clanging mess. "Since the cake is going to take the longest time to assemble and bake, we should make that first. You make the batter, and I'll work on the icing." Caius threw his hands up in frustration. "Okay, just dictate everything. I don't need a say at all!" Aro looked down his nose at him, then said prissily, "I thought that it had been unspokenly agreed that between the two of us, as I possess as substantial amount more culinary knowledge than you, I would be making most of the executive decisions." Caius snorted in a disgusted and hoggish manner, but nevertheless stood up and was sure to kick the cupboard door shut with a bang as he walked over to the refrigerator.

Once he reached the refrigerator, he realized he had no idea how to make a cake, much less what should go in one. "So if you were your hare-brained wife-" to which Aro dropped the bag of sugar he had been measuring from and gasped, "I beg your pardon?" "Where would you put a cookbook?" Aro smiled smugly. "Sulpicia doesn't have any cook books. She remembers or invents all of her recipes." Caius raised a pale brow. "So what would she put in a cake, then?" he asked, annoyed. "I don't know." Aro shot back. "What do YOU think she'd put in a cake?" Aro was, in reality, stalling for time, because he didn't know any more than Caius did what Sulpicia might put in a cake, but could at the very least make an educated guess.

"Aro, I'm serious." He said, turning to face his dark-haired brother. "If you're going to act like a dweeb, I swear I'll go and get Sul and Athena and tell them that it's all your fault there's sugar all over the floor, and they won't give it up, and they'll find out your little plan and you will be sunk." Said Caius, with an air of vindictive pleasure at the end of that statement. Aro frowned, weighing his chances that Caius, well known for obscene threats and grandstanding, would actually do as he threatened. He probably wouldn't but then again, he just might. "I'd say some sort of ratio of eggs, flour, sugar, milk, blood, and flavoring. "Allright then." Said Caius, pulling the blood, eggs and milk from the refrigerator and plunking them down next to the mixer. Without even measuring, he tossed in some milk, some blood, three eggs (shell, yolk, white and all) upended the cocoa powder, put in five handfuls of flour, and roughly grabbed the sugar from Aro, who had just been about to put it away, and got more sugar all over the floor as he tossed in two handfuls. Then he plugged the mixer in and pressed the "On" button. The beaters started mixing, but they weren't even touching the strange-looking mixture in the bowl below. Irritated, Caius put the speed up a notch. And then, when nothing continued happening, he put them up another notch, and then another, and on and on until the beaters were running at top speed. "Aro?" he called. "Why is this stupid piece of junk not working right?" Aro patiently explained, "do you see that this lever on the side? If you turn it clockwise, it will raise the bowl, which will put your mixture in the path of the beaters." Comprehension sparked in Caius's eyes, and he hastened to do so. Alas, he hadn't turned off the beaters, which were still running at maximum speed, and Caius, along with the surrounding walls, surfaces, and appliances, were splattered from head to foot with a runny, lumpy, and in some places, shelly, dark reddish-brown liquid that was allegedly cake batter.

Now even more heavily disgusted, Caius unplugged the mixer. Aro laughed snidely as Caius stiffly reached for the roll of paper towels and silently began wiping away the reddish stuff. He was silenced when a particularly sopping paper towel his him in the side of his neck. Caius made three more sets of batter- one was like cement, one looked and smelled good until Caius tried to pour it into the pan, where it curdled and formed and odd sort of pancake, which Aro said was substandard and tossed in the garbage (the trash can promptly burst into flames.) and one that had been made with salt instead of sugar. Eventually, Caius got up his laptop and looked up cake recipes and made a reasonably decent batter, which he then set in the oven, feeling proud.

Aro's icing had also been a fiasco, but a quieter one than Caius', which had involved great deals of screaming and shouted profanity. He decided that since they were having chocolate cake (or what he supposed would have to pass for it) he'd make white icing. He accessed his vast mental reserve of recipes and cooking advice he had inadvertently acquired from Sulpicia over the years, and settled on a recipe for "Cream Cheese Frosting." But then he remembered one called "Creamy Vanilla" icing, and then another called "White Chocolate Frosting." He couldn't decide which one, and he wasn't sure that they had the resources to readily make and test all three, and besides didn't want to do that, (Sulpicia could only be kept out of her kitchen for so long.) so he decided to merge the three to create a super icing.

In his first batch, he mixed blood, heavy whipping cream, and some cool-whip, just for fun. Then things went south. He put in two tablespoons of baking soda in instead of three teaspoons of confectioner's sugar, almond extract in place of vanilla, and then some white chocolate, unmelted, that was fifteen years past it's expiration date. After mixing it all up, he took one bite and promptly threw up into the flaming trashcan, which he then extinguished by dumping the rest of the icing mess into it. The trashcan emitted clouds of billowing green smoke that smelled strangely of mushrooms.

Aro reviewed what he had done in his head, and saw the baking soda, almond extract, and the white chocolate expiration date. So he got a bigger mixing bowl and followed all three sets of directions flawlessly. But when he tried to get it out of the bowl, it was runnier than water and slightly sinister looking. So he decided to make an experiment of it and split it into two bowls, one of which he left on the table, and the other he put in the freezer. He told Caius that they would ice the cake as a final touch. Caius turned around, made a grumpy face, and put his hands on his hips, saying, "Aro. It's a cake, an inanimate object. We can't ice it. " Aro did a facepalm. "Know what, brother? Don't you worry your pretty little noggin about it. You just come over here and make the salad." Caius dug his heels in and clenched his jaw. "Why do I have to make the salad?" he demanded in a very argumentative, belligerent tone of voice. "One," said Aro, throwing the salad bowl into his brother's hands, "Don't you take that tone with me. And two, I don't trust you near a stove while my back is turned."

As Caius stalked to the refrigerator to get the ingredients necessary for a salad, Aro took out a grill pan, which he put on the stove. He dug around in the spice rack and got out some salt, pepper, garlic, onion salt, and, something that looked promising, cumin. He took out four steaks, some blood, and some other sauces, which he then put in the same bowl he had used to make the frosting (without washing it) and made a marinade. He stabbed the steaks with a fork and dropped them into the sauce. He left them alone for a bit as he went to go see what Caius was inflicting on the salad bowl.

It turned out, Caius' salad was actually half decent. He had managed to chop chunks of lettuce into eatable pieces, and added some scallions, minced garlic, tomato and cucumber pieces, and even some crouton- looking things. But the other half was so far from decent it was unbelievable. He had added some leaves from outside, a chunk of rotting pineapple, the contents of two family-sized Lipton tea bags, half a hardboiled egg, cut up too small to be easily identified as egg, and then drowned it all in blood, V8 splash, and soy sauce, only to top it off with Canadian steak seasoning.

"Caius, what, pray tell, went through your slippery little mind at the time you assembled this…. This mess?" Aro asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. Caius narrowed his eyes. "Don't patronize me, bro." he said, putting emphasis on the last word, which he had said like it was a disease or a particularly foul swear word. "And it's not a mess, it's a salad." Caius smiled fondly at the concoction. "I named it Fred," he announced. "YOU CAN'T NAME A SALAD, YOU DUNCE!" Aro screamed, and then slapped Caius on the face. Caius picked up "Fred" and flung him/it ultimate Frisbee style. The rim hit Aro squarely between the eyes. As Aro staggered around for a moment, clutching his eyes and moaning quietly, Caius reassembled "Fred", whose leaf and tomato and egg bits had been scattered far and wide. Once Aro had sufficiently recovered, he seized "Fred" and dumped him in the garbage can, which reignited itself, this time with purple flames, then turned to face his brother, who was leaning up against the counter, arms crossed, glaring at him through squinty eyes over the reddened, perfect imprint of a hand smacked across his cheekbone. "You threw away Fred," he accused. "Fred was worthless," Aro responded. "He surely was not! You're worthless!" Aro struggled to keep his voice calm. "Caius, you can't put V8 splash on a salad, because then it's not a salad, it's an unfortunate soup." Caius' eyes grew icier. "Again! Don't patronize me! Bro!" he said angrily. "And look at you! You're trying to put cumin on a steak!" Aro was insulted. "And what's wrong with cumin?" he demanded. Caius smirked widely. "Try some and find out," he challenged.

Aro approached the cumin warily. He gingerly unscrewed the lid, and he wet his finger, which he dipped in the spice and brought cautiously back to his mouth. He was so instantly repulsed that he hurled the cumin into the poor, much-abused trashcan. The purple flames began to emit red smoke. Aro wordlessly flipped the steaks in their marinade, and helped Caius make a new salad, which consisted of lettuce, vegetables, a few spices, and mozzarella cheese. They put the salad in the freezer and took out the icing. "Two questions," said Caius. "One; why did we just put salad in the freezer? And two; why was there icing in the freezer? "Aro shut his eyes, internally debating about whether he should give Caius the complex explanation, the dumb explanation, or no explanation at all. He decided on the third. "Just don't worry about it." He said

They took the steaks out of the marinade, seasoned them, and put them on the grill pan. But as Caius was lifting up the last on, Aro noticed something strange about his fingers. He grabbed his hand and saw that the tips of all the fingers on his right hand had been shredded away, along with most of his nails. Apparently, Caius hadn't even noticed. They both turned to look at the cheese grater Caius had used earlier. Then they spent about an hour pawing through the salad, trying to remove all the Caius chunks.

While his brother was frantically trying to piece his other brother back together in the kitchen, Marcus was up in his room, looking at Didyme's urn and feeling as sad as he normally did on this date. It would have been his and Didyme's anniversary, too. He usually just stayed in his room on this most hateful of days, partially because didn't want to ruin his brother's one day of mindless happiness out of the year, and also because he wanted to mope in private. But he heard Sulpicia

and Athenodora walking down the hallway. "Where have those men gotten to?" asked sulpicia, arm in arm with her cousin as they clack aggressively down the hall in their high heels. "I haven't heard a thing out of them all day, and it's our anniversary." "They better not have forgotten." "Hold on, can we stop by the kitchen first? I hid Aro's present there because I figured that would be the last place he'd look, and you know how curious- read: nosy- he can be able things that concern him." Marcus felt his eyes grow wide. He grappled with himself internally for a moment- to help or not to help? With a groan, he heaved himself out the window and cut across the courtyard. He would take the short route to the kitchen, and head them off. He just hoped the high heels would decrease their walking capabilities enough.

While Caius continued fishing shreds of himself out of the salad, Aro went about setting the table. Regrettably, he did a very bad job. He managed to drop eight different glasses and two plates, put all the silverware on the wrong sides, and accidentally light the tablecloth on fire. Then, he began to put the icing on the cake. The one that had been left on the table had thickened to the consistency of syrup, and the one from the freezer came away in what flecks you could shave from it's frozen entirety. The cake looked very strange to say the least, so Aro covered it with reddi-whip and melted chocolate and blood, artfully drizzled in the shape of hearts.

When Sulpicia and Athenodora reached the kitchen, identical, scowly expressions on their identical, ethereal faces, Marcus was leaning against the door, arms crossed, staring off into space. When he saw them, he stood up straight and pronounced, "You can't go in there" Sulpicia's eyes got narrow. "Don't be ridiculous, Marcus, get out of our way." Marcus looked worried. "Uhhh, no… I can't let you go in there." Athenodora exhaled as she gave him the death glare that sometimes made even Caius quiver in his boots. "Marcus, for the love of God, get your depressed self out of our way. We have important things to do." Marcus drew himself up to his full three heads higher than his brother's petite wives, and looked down on them. "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you go in there." Sulpicia put her hands on her hips. "And whyever not?" she demanded, obviously incensed. "Ummmmmm…uhhhhhhhhhhh…..ummmmm….. Because I peed in there. I peed in your kitchen and that's why you can't go in there." The cousins recoiled in disgust. Marcus attempted and apologetic smile, but he just looked like someone was sewing his toes together. Then they heard a loud "BOOM!" and wisps of sulfurous black smoke came issuing forth from under the door.

A few moments prior to the loud noise, Caius had still been defleshifying the salad, and Aro puzzling over the gently smoldering tablecloth when an acrid stench hit both their noses. They turned to the stove only to see the steaks catch on fire. The pan was burned and blackened almost beyond repair, and the steaks were nothing more than grizzled, popping chunks of charcoal. "What do we do?" Aro whisper-shouted, turning to Caius, Volterra's resident pyromaniac. Caius' eyes were wide as the flames reached higher- apparently his love of the inferno did not extend to having learned how to stop kitchen fires. "Uh….. uh….. He stuttered a, but he seized the half-melted handle and hurled the pan into the trashcan, fire and all.

The good new: the assortment of garbage inside put out the flames, both the ones from the pan, and the ones that were already in the garbage can. The bad news: once the pan hit the trash, there was a massive chemical reaction, which produced the boom.

Sulpicia, Athenodora, and Marcus rushed into the room. The kitchen was one gigantic, tremendous mess of epic proportions. A huge pile of broken glass lay in shining shards on the floor by the table, which had been pathetically set on a tablecloth that was singed and still burning on the edges. A misshapen, white-frosted lump that could have only been the work of Aro sat on a countertop that looked distinctly reddish and slimy above a half-disassembled salad, pieces of it scattered all around the bowl. The dish looked distinctly worse for the wear as it sat forlornly on the ground, which was dusted with a healthy smattering of flour, sugar and cocoa powder. A wad of some suspiciously fleshy-looking substance sat next to it. The sink was overflowing with dirty dishes, most of which looked like they were covered with radioactive test material gone way wrong. The usually spotless, gleaming counters and appliances had been splattered with mystery substances galore. And the trashcan had exploded, or perhaps it had imploded. Whichever the case was, it had belched its contents far and wide across the room and covered everything in the surrounding two-foot radius of it in a fine black powder. Aro and Caius looked as if they were wearing black masks. The fronts of their hair stood in spiked coronas around their foreheads like comical headdresses. Their hands and the fronts of the clothes they had been wearing were also the same sooty black, and their burgundy eyes, a gash of color in their newly blackened faces, were bugging wide with shock and surprise. Aro cracked (quite literally cracked) a cheesy grin at his frozen, horrified mate, his white teeth a smear of cleanliness among a sea of grime. "Happy Anniversary," he wheezed.


End file.
